I'm Leaving...

Everyone has a different experience when studying abroad. Everything from the application process to the return home is completely dependant on the individual. Some students never experience pre-departure anxiety, jitters, fear, or culture shock.

I am not one of those students. 

This past week I have been struck down by a sudden fear of studying abroad. I know, I know, it shocked me too. I have never considered myself to be a nervous person and for over a year I have been nothing but excited for this trip. When friends or family would say, "aren't you nervous?" I would laugh at them openly. Me? Nervous to go live in the most beautiful country in the world? Of course not! It seemed ridiculous to be nervous about something I've wanted for (what seems like) forever. Classmates of mine who are also preparing to go abroad shared my feelings of gusto and excitement. Many of them have already left for their destinations and report feeling much the same as before. I even had a friend tell me that Culture Shock didn't exist, because she lived in another country for three months and never experienced it.

Well dear readers, imagine my horror when I realized that my initial excitement for this voyage scooted over and made a huge space for worry to sit himself down.

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered the following:

1. What is wrong with me?
2. Am I not prepared to go on this trip?
3. No one else is feeling afraid, why am I?

The fear itself is not as unsettling as feeling like I am completely alone in being afraid. I've been the one assuring my family that I am big, strong, and capable. They don't need to be afraid because I am not, and neither is anyone else. What does this new development imply? 

After thinking it over for a while, I've decided that this is simply part of my process. 

So what if no one else admits to feeling afraid of their adventure? I am about to take my butt across the world all on my own, say goodbye to everyone I know and love, ditch my comfort zone, and live in France. Don't try and tell me that isn't scary because it is. It is 100% okay to feel nervous, afraid, sad, happy, excited, and anything in between. 

"If your dreams don't scare you,  they are not big enough"  -Ellen Johnson Sirleaf 

Even though I'm scared, I'm also excited, happy, and most importantly: I am ready.
Although I've been having moments of awe and terror at regular intervals the last few days, I have never thought about changing my mind. I still want to go on this trip, even if it scares me. I will probably cry at the airport and that's okay. None of this means that I am not capable of this journey, nor does it mean that I won't have the time of my life. (Trust me, I will) I just need to be a little terrified first.

At least I know my dreams are big enough.